The battle with addiction: still front and center

I’ve been back in the city I call home for about a month now, and have been moved in to my new place for just over two weeks. And as I’ve mentioned so many times, there is still so much about life that needs sorted out more (and habits improved) if I’m finally going to succeed again.

But while things have gone well in the last few weeks (financially), I knew that I still hadn’t really done anything to begin taming my demons. To be honest, I was mostly lucky (rather than good) during that time. It wasn’t going to last long w/ those same bad habits, so naturally things have just started to slip again now.

Thing is though: it’s another wake-up call that I needed. Especially while I’m still in a pretty good position to try and finally make the life that I need permanently.

Unfortunately, that still hasn’t meant that it’s been much easier to find the energy and willpower to make necessary changes. There are those tireless cliches like “the biggest step/half the battle is admitting that you have a problem”, but that’s not the case for me. I’ve known about my addictive issues my entire adult life, and that’s barely even gotten me off the ground.

For some of us, the biggest step is finding that energy to not only start fighting, but never let the battle go. Especially when you’re always dealing with depression at the same time, and when you’ve always had a subconscious tendency to fight happiness. That combination has kept me going in circles for over 20 years now.

It would probably help to have others support me in said battle. Or at least to talk to in detail about it as I go. But sadly, no one in my family is capable of being a non-toxic and open-minded influence, and the unusual circumstances of how my addiction and work mix together have flummoxed even the most experienced therapists. And I’ve talked at length before about how I can be quite the loner by nature anyway.

I’ve also found that those who are troubled (understandably) have enough shit to deal with, and those who aren’t are either uncomfortable being involved (or else just can’t understand enough how it feels or what needs done from the outside).

So, I will likely be taking all this on (and figuring most of it out) on my own. Luckily I’m well used to that.

I’ll probably try to change my diet first and see how that helps the initial step (of needing more energy) enough. And if that helps springboard me some, then use that crucially-needed energy to try and stay more focused on the many other self-improvement steps that need taken, and to actually take those steps as I go.

Hopefully that will work. If not, I’ll have to keep going back to the drawing board until I find something that does. Regardless of how long it takes.

Cause what other choice is there?

After 10 years: different, but same

Late last year, I wrote about what was going on with someone I’d met years ago (and had unusually amazing chemistry with) and gave some other background about my past and present romantic life.

When the past (and current) you cross paths…

(Not a subject that I get into too often, but there ya go).

Well….after all that time, we finally met up again last night. Now that I just moved back out west, she only lives an afternoon’s drive from here. She was flying out of my city in the morning, so we were able to make it happen.

Would the spark still be there after all that time….especially for two people whose lives can be so unhealthy, unpredictable, and bizarre?

Yes, it was. Honestly I think I’ve aged worse physically than she has since then (which is understandable since I’m a little older than she is). But those things didn’t matter. The attraction and vibe that we had was like a couple who was crazy about each other.

Does that mean that we’ll finally look into being together? Oh dear reader, if it were only that simple. Even though we’re only a few hours away now, the logistics would still be difficult. And let’s not forget one of the things that I mentioned in the last entry about this (about how at this point, neither of us may ever be equipped for anything serious with anyone ).

So we will just have to see how things unfold. But after what just happened, we know for sure that the potential is there.

If both of us are ever capable of pursuing it…

When it feels right

Well. My new employment situation was…..something that needs its own entry to be fully appreciated. That can come next.

But for now, suffice it to say the following: given everything involved, I decided this morning that the job was not the right fit.

So yep, a letter of resignation was just e-mailed. After just a week. I know that sounds like an abrupt and possibly foolish decision, but oh believe me, I have my reasons (well beyond how the job would’ve been too).

Keep in mind that while I’ve always been the furthest thing from a company man, my other traditional jobs have all lasted at least a couple years. So it’s not like I usually quit something so soon or “can’t handle a real job” or anything like that. Those reasons for leaving already were not light ones.

Anyway….I knew that it would be very difficult to have a 9 to 5 in this town, but it only took that week to drive home the reality that much more. I don’t have the energy to mix that with the other things I need/want to do here (to work for myself and otherwise).

I will be staying here and going through with a new “career” plan that I hope will last as long as possible. There is also a plan B and the possibility of a plan C to grind out a living in town if need be. And even if none of that works out, I will just find a 9 to 5 somewhere else (and come back out here for good when I retire).

With no regrets.

For now though, you have no idea how right this decision felt. Especially since I was already slipping into more depression, misery, and destructive decisions.

But after sending that resignation letter, the future feels more hopeful. I got the new apartment I wanted and am looking forward to moving in soon. And especially to have the freedom to fix my life in the best ways again.

It’s made me smile more in the last couple hours than I have in a long time.

One more chance

As we speak, I am driving back out to my target city. This time for good.

The second company that I interviewed with recently has hired me. And while the (slightly better) job possibility with the first company is still in play, I wasn’t going to turn down a sure thing.

So, I am now heading out there to plant myself again.

The situation has come together a lot better than I would have guessed (or even deserve). When it comes to how family, finances, location, and opportunity now sit in front of me: while it’s far, far from where things should be (other than the location)…….given all the mistakes I’ve made over the years, it’s pretty much best-case scenario for moving forward.

Because at least I have a better chance to salvage myself some . Maybe not to the extent that I need, but enough to count.

Once I get settled in, I’ll still be in this similar spot though: needing to muster the willpower to improve diet, exercise, financial discipline, and many other parts of life. As mentioned many times in prior entries, it’s a long road since so much of me needs fixed.

Not even going to elaborate much on whether or not I’ll pull it off. Especially since I know that despite how solid this opportunity is, I’m still fighting long odds.

For now, I just want to spend a short time focusing on one thing:

Hope

Some from the unexpected, but then more of the same

I have been back in my initial target city for almost a week now. This was an unseen turn of events, as I’d just tossed a flyer out for a job there (that I never expected to get taken so seriously, as Indeed applications normally aren’t).

Flew out. Put on my game face. For as much as I don’t want most human contact, you’d never know it if you interviewed me. I put on one hell of an act.

But despite everyone loving me at the company except maybe one, I have a feeling that one (who’d be my immediate boss) turned against me during our second interview (and first in-person one). It’s probably a blessing in disguise though, because she seems like a terrible person. Yes, I learned enough about her already (both professionally and personally) to make that call.

Still though, I don’t have nearly enough excess energy to continue to struggle like this without moving forward. Even managed a video interview with a second company tomorrow afternoon too, but it’s going to be tough to get up for it. I’ll manage to, but it won’t be easy to give my best effort again at the moment.

Right now, I wish once again that I could just hole myself away from the world for good. The “Leaving Las Vegas” type ending is becoming more and more likely, though that probably won’t happen soon because of other life obligations.

But that future is out there. Lingering.

Patiently waiting for its moment to grab me and never let go.

Florida fail

This afternoon, I will start back north for the time being.

After exhausting all possible areas in the last six weeks, my job search in Florida has completely stalled. A few decent leads had no followup, and I can’t waste more time here hoping that someone will eventually follow through. At least not until I’ve gotten caught up on some tasks back home and taken a little time to reevaluate the next best step.

Personal contacts, job recruiters, Indeed, Linkedin. It hasn’t mattered.

It’s difficult enough for me to handle having a 9 to 5 in general, because of how I never should have been in this position after my successes years ago. But not even being able to find something new this time (given that I now have more traditional work experience in my field and a much better resume for those jobs)…..well, that really makes it tough to move forward.

I may have to sacrifice the hope for a warm climate and just start launching resumes all over this half of the country. See if a needle in a haystack can somehow be uncovered.

But that’s quite a sacrifice for my current situation, because I really need an environment that will allow me to improve the rest of my life too. And that’s much less likely to happen in a frozen tundra. There’s a lot of hard work to be done on myself, and I may not be strong enough to pull it off without the help of a consistently palatable climate.

So it’s back on the road for a couple days. Not the kind of travel I love, either.

The end of a journey. And a troubled one at that.

Not a care in the world

I’ve been at my friend’s house in Florida for a few days now.

The family dog was my new buddy after just a few hours. He’s laying next to me half asleep on the couch as I write this. Half pekingese and half chihuahua.

If I weren’t typing at the moment, his back would be my left armrest.

I watch him sigh contently there. Complete trust in a human he just met. Not a care in the world. And I actually find myself a little jealous of this 15 pounds of being with an underbite.

No new job to find. No bad habits to break. No future to figure out or midlife crisis. Not even a need to plan the next day.

It really is a dog’s life.

Caught in between

For the past couple of weeks, I have been way south. Checking out the state that should be my next stop for maybe a couple of years, while I hope to iron out so much of life and get prepared for my final destination as soon as possible.

But this has not been easy.

Though I read many of the books that I’d gotten on trying to improve my willpower, diet, and other demons, I’m not in a spot to apply them until I’m settled in somewhere again. So in the meantime, I continue to make the same destructive mistakes.

Then there’s the job hunt. Not surprisingly, I don’t have too many close personal contacts. And in this covid world, that’s even more vital for finding something white collar. It’s hard enough to stay motivated as it is, much less when you look at a dime-a-dozen posting in your field on Linkedin (that’s only six days old), and see that over 100 people have already applied. With my limited 9 to 5 job work experience, there is no way I can compete with even 5 people per opening, much less over 100.

At this point, I simply don’t know how I will solve that employment dilemma.

So I sit here now as we speak, dreading the thought of going to see an old friend tomorrow for a few days, and having to act all normal ok social, yattada yattada. For everyone else who deals with constant depression, you know what THAT’S like. Especially when you’re in the midst of one of those times where your life issues are even more of an urgent problem than they normally are.

One of those times where you wish you could just hibernate until the world has totally changed. No matter how long it takes.

Or even if it never does.

“When you looked at me, my mind stopped”

That’s what I was just told by…..well, refer to this recent entry:

https://misteradomain.home.blog/2020/11/25/when-the-past-and-current-you-cross-paths/

I don’t even know how to respond. It could be the most flattering compliment that anyone could get.

But will the steps ever be taken….

In my last entry recently, I wrote about how I’d finally opened up my first book on some of the subjects related to my demons.

Since then, I’ve finished the first book and am more than halfway through the second. And again, not much has surprised me so far. There are times when I feel like no actual changes would really ever be implemented, and times when I see a few nuggets of usefulness that might fit my very difficult situation.

I also continue to be disappointed with the lack of ability that human beings have to fix themselves. Not only do both books advocate dealing with vices with avoidance and diversion in plenty of circumstances, but the chances of succeeding really increase if you lean on someone else to get you through it.

I guess there are worse things than that. But it still portrays a sense of weakness. And it seems like you’d need to count much more on yourself, because the crutch of other people may not be there whenever you need it (and that could easily lead to too many relapses).

Plus, the whole concept is a much tougher task for people who don’t keep others very close in their lives (like me). And yep, I know that’s what sponsors are for in the Anonymous meetings. But I’ve tried those out in the past, and it’s not the atmosphere that I want for any self-improvement attempts. The people there are mostly still struggling so badly to get by, because the programs focus on damage control a lot more than conquering your demons.

And if I’m going to do this, I need to focus on the latter instead. Just barely getting by without disasters is not good enough. For me or anyone.

The most useful concept I’ve been reminded of is how important breathing, relaxing, and short time periods of meditation are to strengthening your body and mind’s resolve. If I really follow through on this, that change will be at the top of the list to branch off of. But there’s a huge snag lingering in all of this:

Do I really WANT to improve myself enough?

That may sound bizarre on the surface. Until you realize that I may never really want to find happiness.

I mentioned months ago that I’d soon be hitting a crossroads that led to two possible ends: rebirth, or permanent despair. And here’s the thing….I still enjoy the thought of a slow decline that takes me sinking further and further. Withering away in a hotel room day after day, as I live a lifestyle that minimizes effort, necessities, and (most importantly) responsibilities.

Think “Leaving Las Vegas”. Well, without the alcohol and new hooker love.

Don’t know exactly how that would end, but it sure wouldn’t be a good one. But even as strange as it sounds: I don’t just find this type of lowest life descent appealing; I actually GLORIFY it in my mind.

So I guess you could sum up the latest this way: both the rebirth and sinking despair paths in front of me are luring me even more than before. Makes it seem like one or the other may win out faster than expected.

Unless those opposing forces tear me apart down the middle first.