Tag: sad

Invisible

Given how the first three years of college went, I did not expect an adult life of being such a loner. But even though my depression (that took hold late in my senior year) had a lot to do with that, it wasn’t how things began. 

Near the beginning of that year, it was time for my 21st birthday. And it’s naturally a tradition for your close friends to take you out and celebrate it.  I assumed that would be the case. It wasn’t. 

Despite these being the people that I’d been close with and hung out regularly for those first few years (and everything always being fine), all I got was one mention about it from my best friend. Saying how the first big exams were that week and “sorry”, but no plans. 

And I still can’t believe they did that.  It should’ve been obvious that regardless of any exams, you just work around it. Doesn’t have be ON your birthday; just go out sometime the weekend before (or the weekend after). Anything like that is fine. But you don’t dismiss someone’s 21st. Especially without a care.

I never said anything about it. Even as we all got together for his 21st about six weeks later. Go figure eh. But it was insulting. And I never forgot. 

Between that, my depression about to take hold, and weekend get togethers w/ them not being my style anymore (as they turned much more into corny married people-like nights rather than college students), I started becoming distanced from them as the year went on. 

And of course, that distance (not just from them, but from most people) became more and more pronounced once I got into the real world. By the time I was in my mid-20s, I knew that developing or maintaining close friendships would probably never happen again. 

So here I am today. Turning 50 this year.  And while I’m still not capable of meaningful bonds with people, I could really use some closer (and local) friends to help with turning my life around. Especially after having to move back east for my mother.

That was when I realized just how invisible I’ve really become.

At this stage in life, most of my past (and somewhat current) friends have their own families. Some for ages now. And most people, whether it be those friends or especially strangers, don’t even consider adding new people closely in their lives at this point. I mean it can happen occasionally if two married couples randomly meet on vacation or something (or through your kids), but not usually when it’s a single outsider.  

Sure those friends may answer or eventually reply/call if I say hi to catch up, but that’s just for an occasional fleeting half-hour or so. And since I’m not an important part of anyone’s life, I’m usually the one reaching out. So if I disappeared tomorrow, it wouldn’t affect anyone.

It’s also the same if I try to connect with anyone new on social media. It’s a totally different vibe from when I was in my 20s.  Most late 40ish people’s adult lives have simply long been complete by now. Even including the single ones. 

So….can only imagine what this will be like in my later years when the elder members of my family are all gone. Given how I’m fine about being a loner socially, I’ll handle it better than most. But it’s obviously going to make me even more unhealthy than I already am, and I admit that it’ll still hurt. 

It’s almost like being a ghost. Invisible. 

Christmas time is here

A word of warning: if you stumbled upon this entry (from the Christmas tag) and are looking for the usual joyous life stories and anecdotes about the season, then this is not for you.

In the midst of most other parts of life continuing to suffer, I’ve already begun hearing the seasonal music at the mall in the last week. Yesterday I took a few laps there to get some exercise, and it was an instant reminder of what was to come in the upcoming weeks.

Families. Holiday happiness and magic. Celebrating life. But all that did was have me fighting to stop tearing up right in public.

Why? Well, in recent years, I’ve thought more about how brutal the holidays will be for me down the road. No close family except my mother. Once she’s gone, then there won’t be anyone. Dad’s side of the family does live a few hours away. My uncle, aunt, and their families. But while we’ve always been on good terms, we’ve never been very close.

And with how I am, I don’t even want to be.

Anyway…..as Christmas approaches this year, I’ve found myself sinking into a new abyss about it. For the first time, it’s now representing all the sadness in my life. And everything I don’t have anymore (or never had), and likely won’t again. Now all I think about is the childhood Christmas joys of the past, the emptiness of the present (mom and I are just salvaging life at this point), and my future existence with the brutal loneliness of a totally forgotten person.

Sure I could attempt to make big life changes to prevent some of this. Start dating again or make attempts to bond with the rest of the family more. But I just feel like this is who I am, and that it’s the path I’m destined to take. At age 49 now, the lifelong adult depression and destructive habits and comfort zones seem too embedded in me to fight. You can’t just flip a switch and start changing into someone who genuinely welcomes companionship and happiness.

I wish I could.

Because that’s the thing. When I see those people at the mall with full lives this time of year, I don’t wish I was them.

My wish is that I wanted to be them.

Does blogging or vlogging about your issues help to conquer them?

Four years ago, I started this blog with the hope that writing about my issues might finally provide the needed energy and focus to better myself. And during that time, I’ve loosely followed some other people’s blogs and vlogs who were trying to accomplish something similar.

So by now, the obvious question: is it helping?

The answer to that is not a good one. Nor for myself or any of the others that I’ve read about.

The main reason appears to be this: we just continue rehashing all the details and possible solutions for those issues (instead of actually DOING much about it).

And I guess that’s not really too surprising, since the atmosphere for writing and solitary vlogging lends itself to unhealthy, cooped-up isolation. Even with those who have a huge following and get all kinds of support in their comments, it just doesn’t matter much. Its main useful function appears to be solely as a possibly needed outlet to dump your troubles.

Why? Because reading or writing any amount of words doesn’t provide the necessary energy and focus that moving around, getting out there, and in-person camaraderie does.

Does this mean that I’ll stop making entries? I’m not sure. But it does mean that I’ve pretty much shut the door on the thought of them ever helping me.

*Insert 100 party face emojis about life*

Broken

I have to be up in about 5 1/2 hours. Why? Will get to that in a second.

At the moment, it’s 1:20 AM. And my normal hours are way too warped to adjust to being up early in the morning yet. So before a new stage of life starts then, I’m just listening to music and rehashing the same thought in my mind that’s been stuck there all week:

I think I am broken for good.

Have written endlessly about why over the last few years (so not going to repeat the many reasons again). And during those years, I’ve gone back and forth about having hope and wondering if I could fix much of what’s wrong with me.

But for the first time lately, it’s like I’m relegated to the fact that it’s not possible to.

And that comes at a time when, speaking of hope, you’d think there’d be a little more. Because tomorrow morning, I start a new 9 to 5 job. Even though that’s not what I want for my life, the offer was too good to turn down.

Basically I’m jumping back into what I’ve done occasionally in my past “traditional” career field at a spot where most people would already have put in 20+ years of relentless grind. It almost seems unfair to them.

What can I say, though. Despite all of my demons, I’m quite good at selling myself and knowing how to handle various situations. And my skill level in some areas is very high. So this job opportunity didn’t happen by chance.

I’m sure it seems like that’s bound to help my life in some ways. And sure, it will. But “help” is the key word here. Sometimes any help won’t be enough to get to the bottom of needed fixes.

Which is what I’m expecting to happen. I should be able to make this work (from a supporting myself standpoint).

But when it comes to ever turning the corner on life overall? As mentioned, I just don’t think the necessary fixes exist. Can only hope that I’m proven wrong someday.

And if I am, before it’s too late to take advantage.

When it comes to solving your depressive issues and destructive habits….which comes first?

One of the main obstacles in trying to fix this multi-faceted midlife crisis is this: what do I tackle first? Because when your life is as off-track as mine is (and you’ve let the problems build up for so long), there’s a long list. At the top is:

  • Depression
  • Destructive compulsive behaviors
  • Little energy
  • Avoiding happiness
  • Letting go of past career failures and lost successes
  • Lack of current career opportunities (stemming from those failures)
  • Absent willpower
  • Out of shape
  • Bad diet

And I could go on.

I’ve often felt that I needed to deal with the energy and out of shape issues first. Because while some people can get away with the too big belly that we sometimes develop in our 40s (and still live a productive life), I don’t have that luxury. With as much as I need to fix, feeling better about myself physically is a necessary part of the project. And obviously if you don’t have the energy to feel stronger about breaking bad habits, nothing else will likely improve anyway.

So a few weeks ago, I contacted someone I knew in high school (a jiu jitsu black belt) who owns a gym in the area that offers a personal training/diet program for people in my situation, among other classes that might help. Even called his gym’s manager and set up a time to stop by in a couple evenings.

Do you think I went? Nope. Called, cancelled, and never rescheduled. I rarely follow through on any self-improvement plans. Guess you could add that to the list above.

But after yet another big setback yesterday, I just keep getting closer and closer to that “enough is enough” mindset. And it’s still not too late to start finally trying harder to get the best of my demons.

The gym is on my way out of town to mom’s house, and I’m heading down there tonight anyway to help her out this weekend. And this is one of the nights that they open late for evening classes.

So, I just decided to stop by on my way and see if I can catch that manager for a few minutes and start working with them. Even if he’s not there or too busy, at least I can leave a message to get back in contact with me. And feel like I’ve taken the first step.

If I do become a regular at his gym, it’s going to be a LONG road of improvement ahead. Not just physically, but psychologically (and in all aspects of life).

I’ve told myself a good 99 times in the last dozen years that this had to get done. Maybe the 100th will be the charm

Letting it all out

That’s what I need to do sometimes.

Nobody wants to hear a 47 year old guy get emotional and complain about how bad his life has become, though. So…..I don’t do that.

Sure this blog helps a little. But not nearly enough. Especially since I don’t post that often. And even if I did, no one wants to read repeated whinings here either. I already appear to have alienated my few former regular readers that way.

Naturally this means that I often just hold it in. The hurt. The frustration. The hopelessness.

It’s amazing how someone who’s so emotionally distant from the world and emptied out can still feel so deeply.

So one day, if you hear an earth-shattering, deep scream from somewhere in the world…..don’t be surprised if it came from here.

I could use that relief. Even if it’s just for a few seconds

Ordinary World

“But I won’t cry for yesterday. There’s an ordinary world somehow I have to find…..”

As I drove to my new apartment this afternoon (in my new city after moving cross country again), those lyrics came on the radio. I found that fitting for a couple of reasons.

First, I’m now back in my old college town. And in my early years there, that was one of Duran Duran’s new hits (as they reinvented themselves with the dour sound that was the new rage in the music industry then). Good for them, I thought. Most ’80s bands never pulled that off in the ’90s. Anyway, I digress.

But the main reason it struck a chord is how all the lyrics describe my past and present. Even though they’re talking about losing a lost love interest instead, just substitute in my lost success and (currently) losing the city I call home for the time being.

“What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some’d say
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away.”

When I first decided that this move was necessary last year, I thought I might be able to stay in a decent enough frame of mind to improve life here (despite not being “home” anymore). But as the realization of it all hits deeper now, unfortunately I have my doubts about that.

I’m just not in the right frame of mind to move forward here. At least not yet. Given how much of my life that still needs fixed or improved, that’s a major problem. I find myself expecting to stay mired in my usual nostalgia and longing for the past. Wishing I was back where I want to be.

Wasting away more and more life. And slipping into an even deeper depressive funk.

At this point, I’m just hoping that this last lyric from the song will apply:

“And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive”

Letting go of the past

Yep I’ve talked some about this before, but it needs its own entry.

Awhile back, I was talking with a good friend about solving some of my issues. He reminded me that even though I’ve always been a finance guy, I’m not the type who lives for material things. And we mentioned that the most important thing to me is having my own freedom (especially with work).

Or so we thought.

As I’ve entered into this latest stage of life, it’s become even more obvious that there’s something else that I’m still treating as a clearly higher priority. And it’s not good:

Trying to completely get back the success I used to have, and as quickly as possible.

My actions lately are the proof in the pudding. Here I am, finally back in the location I want to be and with the chance to have that freedom again (at least for now). But unfortunately, the main driving force for those actions has still been a fairly quick cure for the pain of lost success. And that simply won’t work, because it’s impossible to achieve that again for a long time (if ever) in my current situation without taking huge risks that will likely lead to more self-destruction and the loss of my career freedom again.

And given how I’m now more hell-bent than ever about never having a 9 to 5 job again, there’s a lot more at stake in getting things right this time.

So why is this still happening? I simply cannot let go of the past, especially when it comes to that topic. The need to make the most of my future (and even the freedoms that can come along with that) pales in comparison to getting back what I’ve lost.

And I’m not sure how to get past it. Pun.

There’s a lot of dime store advice out there about this, but much of it is the typical obvious stuff that you can’t make yourself do when you stay stuck in the emotional and psychological webs that people like me do. “Focus on the future”. Well, no shit. A lot easier said than done for some of us.

It’s making me want to look into meditation type exercises that much more, because I just haven’t been strong enough for my conscious mind to have the willpower necessary for the best choices (not just for things like focusing on the future, but in general). So while I’m the furthest thing from an expert on the subject, I’m wondering if it might train your body and mind to improve from a more subconscious state instead.

Is that even possible?

I hope so, because I’m running out of time (and options) to start turning things around

One more chance

As we speak, I am driving back out to my target city. This time for good.

The second company that I interviewed with recently has hired me. And while the (slightly better) job possibility with the first company is still in play, I wasn’t going to turn down a sure thing.

So, I am now heading out there to plant myself again.

The situation has come together a lot better than I would have guessed (or even deserve). When it comes to how family, finances, location, and opportunity now sit in front of me: while it’s far, far from where things should be (other than the location)…….given all the mistakes I’ve made over the years, it’s pretty much best-case scenario for moving forward.

Because at least I have a better chance to salvage myself some . Maybe not to the extent that I need, but enough to count.

Once I get settled in, I’ll still be in this similar spot though: needing to muster the willpower to improve diet, exercise, financial discipline, and many other parts of life. As mentioned many times in prior entries, it’s a long road since so much of me needs fixed.

Not even going to elaborate much on whether or not I’ll pull it off. Especially since I know that despite how solid this opportunity is, I’m still fighting long odds.

For now, I just want to spend a short time focusing on one thing:

Hope

Some from the unexpected, but then more of the same

I have been back in my initial target city for almost a week now. This was an unseen turn of events, as I’d just tossed a flyer out for a job there (that I never expected to get taken so seriously, as Indeed applications normally aren’t).

Flew out. Put on my game face. For as much as I don’t want most human contact, you’d never know it if you interviewed me. I put on one hell of an act.

But despite everyone loving me at the company except maybe one, I have a feeling that one (who’d be my immediate boss) turned against me during our second interview (and first in-person one). It’s probably a blessing in disguise though, because she seems like a terrible person. Yes, I learned enough about her already (both professionally and personally) to make that call.

Still though, I don’t have nearly enough excess energy to continue to struggle like this without moving forward. Even managed a video interview with a second company tomorrow afternoon too, but it’s going to be tough to get up for it. I’ll manage to, but it won’t be easy to give my best effort again at the moment.

Right now, I wish once again that I could just hole myself away from the world for good. The “Leaving Las Vegas” type ending is becoming more and more likely, though that probably won’t happen soon because of other life obligations.

But that future is out there. Lingering.

Patiently waiting for its moment to grab me and never let go.