Tag: unhappy

This will be the last time

That’s what I often say when I slip into my exasperated mode of giving it away.

Before I elaborate a little, it’s been awhile since I mentioned what I do. So: I am a 47 yr old rare breed who is a pro financial market trader and advantage gambler (made a living at it for many years, and still could)…..all while being a degenerate addict in those areas at the same time.

Confusing? Yep, I know. And for about the last dozen years, the degenerate part has gotten the best of me.

Earlier tonight, I lost composure again and entered a self-destructive mode. And the thing is, this should have been one of the least likely times for it to happen. Because now that I’ve had to move again, I’m starting up some new sports accounts in some new places. And I just found that the opportunities at these places might be more lucrative than I expected.

So why the tailspin as the evening went on? My biggest achilles heel: if a night starts out poorly, I may make stupid choices to chase the losses (that have nothing to do with betting with an edge). Or, I might bet way too big for my bankroll on something, which will always tap you in the long run at some point.

All this happens because I am way, way too impatient to get back the lost success of my younger years. That urge is just too strong to have the willpower to stop, especially given that since my life is so empty, I also lean on gambling/trading as the main part of making life feel worthwhile.

As mentioned, sometimes when I get burned this way, I tell myself that this is going to be the LAST time. That there is no way (especially in my current situation) that I can continue any problematic behavior that inevitably leads to failure.

Then I try to placate myself to not feel as bad about what just happened. Cause let’s face it, I already feel unhappy enough about my life as it is.

That’s done with thoughts such as “you can use this as a starting point to now move forward doing the right thing” or “now that you look like even more of a hopeless loser at that sports site, you’ll get that much more slack and freedom there to profit more once you get your head on straight.”

At least those rationalizations have merit, though. But there’s another one that I also find myself thinking sometimes, and it’s not good. This usually happens after I’ve screwed up the worst, and quickly ruined what could’ve been a great day or week:

“Well, you would’ve lost that money before long anyway.”

I mean, how sad is that? Trying to make yourself feel better about a loss that just happened with “well, you’re so screwed up that it was inevitable”.

Obviously I need to wash myself clean of THAT kind of thinking.

So, what am I going to do now? Pick up the pieces again. And try once more to find the strength to always stay focused on the positive behaviors (while eliminating the destructive ones).

And it’s extremely difficult to do, because as I brought up in a past entry, this is not like a severe alcoholic or degenerate gambler who can’t go a day without it (and whose addictive behaviors are always destructive). Not like I am always slipping. The problem is though, it can happen at any time…..and when it does, you can ruin a month of flawless work/profits in an hour. So there’s very little margin for error.

But if I ever hope to succeed again, I’m going to have to find a way to be that consistently strong.

And that applies to the rest of my life as well.

The next stage

After a year living in my “target” city, I’ve now moved back across the country again (to help out with family matters). Found an apartment and will get moved in this week. It’s 30 minutes from the family’s house, which is close enough to always be easily available and make this major relocation worth it….while still giving the space that I really need.

Everyone keeps telling me not to think back or torture myself about leaving my old place again. But obviously that’s much easier said than done. At age 47, every year spent away from “home” is going to feel like one that I can’t afford to lose. And it could be many years before I can go back for good.

I’ll try to help my state of mind by making one or two long trips back per year. It won’t be nearly the same, but at least that will make the transition easier.

Still though….I’m concerned about how I’m going to react to this in the long run. It hasn’t hit me completely yet, but it will once I get completely settled in to the new apartment. A depressed person with little structure in life (living in an area that has too many toxic components) isn’t exactly in the best spot to improve and enjoy his situation.

So I’m not sure if I will be able to make the most of this. Or even avoid a much worse downward spiral.

Guess I’ll find out soon enough.

Stepping into the darkness

I sit here on the couch. Looking straight ahead into almost total darkness as midnight looms.

Haven’t even turned my TV on today. Or yesterday. Don’t care enough to. Maybe not until the pro football playoffs resume this weekend.

In a couple months, I will (once again) be leaving the city that I call home. This time likely for a good while. Family obligations make that necessary. But there’s no deluding myself: I wouldn’t have survived here yet for the long term regardless.

Add the last year here to the string of failures that I’ve experienced over the last 14.

Where exactly will I go? That’s still to be decided. Though the region will be where I grew up.

What will I do there? Also a mystery. Don’t know what I will do with myself going forward. As usual for recent years, the options will be very limited. I’ll have to figure something out.

But for now, I sit here alone. Taking a break from my new book on the kindle. It’s one of the those save-the-world action dramas that gives a needed escape for people with lives like mine.

Soaking in the final weeks of the preferred solitude in my home base.

Before stepping out into the unknown darkness again.

Does depression “weaken” the mind?

In a past entry, I brought up all of the common dreams I experience. And there was one that I just hadn’t figured out too much about “why do I continue to have this?”

This is my common dream where, in a high school or college type setting, I am feeling very unprepared for having an upcoming exam or paper due very soon. And it always makes me feel very uncomfortable and like I’ve really screwed something important up (such as graduating on time, etc).

But the thing is, I was always a top student up through my undergrad years and found a way to get things done when it mattered most. The only time I got burned from slacking off with such responsibilities was after I’d graduated from college (and in spots that never meant much to me, such as my time in grad school). So then….why do I continue to have this bothersome dream?

I think I finally figured it out.

See, after getting my undergrad degree, I became a very average learner. It didn’t matter whether it was work or during that grad school time. The formerly lifetime A student was now a C+ student, and I didn’t have the focus or care enough to try and change that. I’d always written the decline off as not being a huge deal, since it only affected parts of life I wasn’t interested in.

But I’ve just realized that it’s not that simple.

While it doesn’t bother me to be mediocre at those parts of life that are less important to me…..what DOES bug me is my mind and focus being weaker than it used to be. Deep down, that must be affecting me more than I thought it did.

Which is likely why I continue to have that dream.

So finally…..referencing this entry’s title…..can deep enough depression actually cause this to happen? As mentioned, I used to assume that it was just a matter of focus. Especially since I still score the same on IQ tests as I did as a child.

But I’m telling you, I still don’t feel as “smart”. And that didn’t start to happen until my depression sunk in deep about 25 years ago, which was during my senior year at college.

I don’t know what any research says about this. At the moment I don’t even feel like looking anything up. All I know is that you can add this to the list.

The long list of ways that my battle with the depressive beast has weakened me.

Boiling point

The last two weeks had already not gone well. As I wrote about recently, the quality of my trading/betting was still full of the same holes (and things had started to slip back). In addition to that, I haven’t found any of the willpower necessary to start fresh in my new place and move toward improving the other parts of life either.

Needless to say, I was already on edge some. Then today happened, and I’m fighting the urge to completely tilt.

Put myself into a difficult spot on a trade that I didn’t need to have. Which led to me bailing on it about an hour too early (and just before the stock market turned in my direction). Turning what could’ve been a very good day into another bad one.

It’s fine when you’re wrong about a situation, cause obviously that will happen sometimes. But when you were very right about the market’s direction and still get stung b/c of how you handled things, that is a BIG problem.

Especially when there’s this: while I’ve written plenty about my attempts to recover from past career/life failures….even though it’s often done with plenty of urgency, that’s been taken to a whole new level this time.

Why? First, because I’m finally back in the place where I have a chance to be happy. If I can’t make life work here now, my chances of ever doing so before I’m too old to enjoy it go way down.

And second: for many years now, whenever I had a new setback with trying to work on my own, getting a 9 to 5 again felt like it was always there as an option (albeit one that I did not prefer at all). But this time, and especially in this city, I don’t want to settle for that anymore.

Between my last experience where I was hired early last month (and I subsequently left) and how I’ll have a much better basis about feeling better about myself if I have my career freedom permanently again, I’ve turned much more against getting a traditional job ever again.

Naturally that means that I have to make things work out now. I know that urgency seems like quite a stressful way to go about it, but oh well. Things have never improved without the urgency either, so I’m not making my situation worse by feeling that way.

So I’m trying to take a very deep breath after moving on. Forget about this recent slide and how awfully it accelerated today, and start fresh moving forward. But unfortunately, that’s never been my way.

It’s like trying to catch a falling knife.

And I’ve never been able to find the handle to.

“Going down the only road I’ve ever known…”

I’ve had about a week and a half now to reflect on my recent get together with someone I’m really close to (reference the entry here from then). But while meeting up with her again went as well as it could have, the days since have reaffirmed what I already expected:

My emotional capability to desire something serious with someone is still practically non-existent. If not entirely.

The only reason there’s even any doubt (about that capability) is that despite the mutual spark and connection with her, it’s likely that we’re way too different for both of us to genuinely enjoy a regular life with each other. When it comes to us, that strong “opposites attract” vibe may not be enough. So you could argue that my feeling distanced (in this spot) has just as much to do with those differences with her.

Thing is though: regardless of how ideal any match might be for me, it’s still doubtful that I could care enough to want it. Almost impossible for me to imagine a situation where I’d rather share my life than be on my own.

You might wonder if it hurts to feel that way. The answer is that it can, but not for the reason you might think:

Because it’s not the actual being alone that hurts. What DOES is the reality that I’m too emotionally removed and disinterested to enjoy the good things that come from not just a fulfilling relationship, but from life in general. When I listen to sad songs or sultry r&b or see other people living these experiences, it hurts to be reminded of how empty your life is (especially since you feel too emotionally trapped to ever change it).

Last night I was talking to a close friend about all this. She is just as ill-equipped to be in a relationship as I am, though some of the reasons for it are totally different than mine. But at least it allows us to bond with someone who’s in the same boat.

We joke about sitting on a porch someday in old people rocking chairs. All our family long gone and no SO or kids in our lives. Reminiscing about how we predicted such an outcome 30 years prior.

Cause, well: to quote something from the ’90s for once (never fear, my ’80s obsession is still intact):

“We can’t run from who we are. Our destiny chooses us”

The battle with addiction: still front and center

I’ve been back in the city I call home for about a month now, and have been moved in to my new place for just over two weeks. And as I’ve mentioned so many times, there is still so much about life that needs sorted out more (and habits improved) if I’m finally going to succeed again.

But while things have gone well in the last few weeks (financially), I knew that I still hadn’t really done anything to begin taming my demons. To be honest, I was mostly lucky (rather than good) during that time. It wasn’t going to last long w/ those same bad habits, so naturally things have just started to slip again now.

Thing is though: it’s another wake-up call that I needed. Especially while I’m still in a pretty good position to try and finally make the life that I need permanently.

Unfortunately, that still hasn’t meant that it’s been much easier to find the energy and willpower to make necessary changes. There are those tireless cliches like “the biggest step/half the battle is admitting that you have a problem”, but that’s not the case for me. I’ve known about my addictive issues my entire adult life, and that’s barely even gotten me off the ground.

For some of us, the biggest step is finding that energy to not only start fighting, but never let the battle go. Especially when you’re always dealing with depression at the same time, and when you’ve always had a subconscious tendency to fight happiness. That combination has kept me going in circles for over 20 years now.

It would probably help to have others support me in said battle. Or at least to talk to in detail about it as I go. But sadly, no one in my family is capable of being a non-toxic and open-minded influence, and the unusual circumstances of how my addiction and work mix together have flummoxed even the most experienced therapists. And I’ve talked at length before about how I can be quite the loner by nature anyway.

I’ve also found that those who are troubled (understandably) have enough shit to deal with, and those who aren’t are either uncomfortable being involved (or else just can’t understand enough how it feels or what needs done from the outside).

So, I will likely be taking all this on (and figuring most of it out) on my own. Luckily I’m well used to that.

I’ll probably try to change my diet first and see how that helps the initial step (of needing more energy) enough. And if that helps springboard me some, then use that crucially-needed energy to try and stay more focused on the many other self-improvement steps that need taken, and to actually take those steps as I go.

Hopefully that will work. If not, I’ll have to keep going back to the drawing board until I find something that does. Regardless of how long it takes.

Cause what other choice is there?

After 10 years: different, but same

Late last year, I wrote about what was going on with someone I’d met years ago (and had unusually amazing chemistry with) and gave some other background about my past and present romantic life.

When the past (and current) you cross paths…

(Not a subject that I get into too often, but there ya go).

Well….after all that time, we finally met up again last night. Now that I just moved back out west, she only lives an afternoon’s drive from here. She was flying out of my city in the morning, so we were able to make it happen.

Would the spark still be there after all that time….especially for two people whose lives can be so unhealthy, unpredictable, and bizarre?

Yes, it was. Honestly I think I’ve aged worse physically than she has since then (which is understandable since I’m a little older than she is). But those things didn’t matter. The attraction and vibe that we had was like a couple who was crazy about each other.

Does that mean that we’ll finally look into being together? Oh dear reader, if it were only that simple. Even though we’re only a few hours away now, the logistics would still be difficult. And let’s not forget one of the things that I mentioned in the last entry about this (about how at this point, neither of us may ever be equipped for anything serious with anyone ).

So we will just have to see how things unfold. But after what just happened, we know for sure that the potential is there.

If both of us are ever capable of pursuing it…

When it feels right

Well. My new employment situation was…..something that needs its own entry to be fully appreciated. That can come next.

But for now, suffice it to say the following: given everything involved, I decided this morning that the job was not the right fit.

So yep, a letter of resignation was just e-mailed. After just a week. I know that sounds like an abrupt and possibly foolish decision, but oh believe me, I have my reasons (well beyond how the job would’ve been too).

Keep in mind that while I’ve always been the furthest thing from a company man, my other traditional jobs have all lasted at least a couple years. So it’s not like I usually quit something so soon or “can’t handle a real job” or anything like that. Those reasons for leaving already were not light ones.

Anyway….I knew that it would be very difficult to have a 9 to 5 in this town, but it only took that week to drive home the reality that much more. I don’t have the energy to mix that with the other things I need/want to do here (to work for myself and otherwise).

I will be staying here and going through with a new “career” plan that I hope will last as long as possible. There is also a plan B and the possibility of a plan C to grind out a living in town if need be. And even if none of that works out, I will just find a 9 to 5 somewhere else (and come back out here for good when I retire).

With no regrets.

For now though, you have no idea how right this decision felt. Especially since I was already slipping into more depression, misery, and destructive decisions.

But after sending that resignation letter, the future feels more hopeful. I got the new apartment I wanted and am looking forward to moving in soon. And especially to have the freedom to fix my life in the best ways again.

It’s made me smile more in the last couple hours than I have in a long time.

Some from the unexpected, but then more of the same

I have been back in my initial target city for almost a week now. This was an unseen turn of events, as I’d just tossed a flyer out for a job there (that I never expected to get taken so seriously, as Indeed applications normally aren’t).

Flew out. Put on my game face. For as much as I don’t want most human contact, you’d never know it if you interviewed me. I put on one hell of an act.

But despite everyone loving me at the company except maybe one, I have a feeling that one (who’d be my immediate boss) turned against me during our second interview (and first in-person one). It’s probably a blessing in disguise though, because she seems like a terrible person. Yes, I learned enough about her already (both professionally and personally) to make that call.

Still though, I don’t have nearly enough excess energy to continue to struggle like this without moving forward. Even managed a video interview with a second company tomorrow afternoon too, but it’s going to be tough to get up for it. I’ll manage to, but it won’t be easy to give my best effort again at the moment.

Right now, I wish once again that I could just hole myself away from the world for good. The “Leaving Las Vegas” type ending is becoming more and more likely, though that probably won’t happen soon because of other life obligations.

But that future is out there. Lingering.

Patiently waiting for its moment to grab me and never let go.